If You Want to Live Never Mess With Our Midol
by ThirdCharm01
Summary: PMS. It's a dangerous thing, even in space.


Title: If You Want to Live - Never Mess With Our Midol and Chocolate!

Author: Third Charm

Fandom: Babylon 5

Pairings: None

Story Type: Can we say "Complete and utter farce" everyone? Good! I knew that you could!

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Brothers. This story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income has been made.

Warnings: Oh, SO AU it's not even funny! Not beta read.

Spoilers: "In the beginning" – if you really, really – and I mean REALLY - stretch it.

Summary: PMS – It's a dangerous thing, even in space.

Author's note: I'm a woman; therefore I can write something like this! ;-)

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If You Want to Live - Never Mess With Our Midol and Chocolate!

Battle of the Line - and Aftermath:

The Line. EarthForce had truly held The Line. It had been a miracle sent from God if you were a Human. It had been, and still was in its aftermath, the wrath of all the powers of Hell unleashed if you were Minbari.

It's amazing what a force of totally berserker troops with a SERIOUS grudge can do to their sworn enemies. Hell, it was making even some of the most hardened GROPOS puke, cry or just plain hide in fear. But they knew better than to get in the way or, Heaven forbid, try and help any of the pitifully begging, crying and screaming schmucks!

Yes, war truly was Hell. And the Minbari Warrior Caste found that out the HARD WAY. They now knew what every Human male able to reason understood by the age of ten; nothing, but NOTHING, in the Universe can stand up to a hormonal Human woman suffering from mood swings, cravings, withdrawal, and cramps! Even stealth shields, a thousand years of superior tech, Vorlon weapons and polycrystalline armor made absolutely NO difference to the determined hordes of crazed, wild eyed, foaming at the mouth Human women with only one goal in mind; the "Bobbitization" of every Minbari male alive!

With that in mind, it was no wonder that the front line troops, GROPOS and clean-up crews had no problems containing and/or rounding up what was left of the Minbari armada and its troops. The completely terrorized and shell-shocked Warriors who were still able to move on their own literally either threw themselves at the feet - and the hopeful mercy of an immediate death - of any male EF soldier in the boarding parties they saw or tried to commit a quick suicide to avoid their female counterparts, all the while mumbling "How could this happen?", "Why?" and "Valen have mercy".

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Meanwhile in an EFI bunker:

Two agents are watching the carnage and its horrendous toll on the Minbari happen.

_Agent EFIX1:_ (shuddering) I never thought we as a species could sink so low. What we did was vile! No entity in existence deserves what we unleashed on those poor bastards!

_Agent EFIX4:_ They tried to exterminate our entire species! We had no choice! shakes head sadly No choice, man!"

_Agent EFIX1:_ (in tears) I know, but this makes us no better than them! Oh God, this just makes us worse! I can't face what we've unleashed, I just can't! The destructive power is just too horrible! Oh God, what have we done?!

_Agent EFIX4:_ (shakes partner) Get it together, man! You can't be seen out there like this; they'll turn on you like a pack of rabid hounds; they can SMELL fear!

_Agent EFIX1: _(gulping and gasping for air as he calms down) All right, all right. I'm good, now. I'm good. (heaves another calming breath) We can do this. We can control this. As soon as the horror, I mean the battle mop up ends, we'll go on air with ISN and say that we were able to, by some miracle, find the last undamaged outgoing shipments of Midol and Chocolate before the factories on Io and were "supposedly destroyed" by the Minbari and that they'll be equitably rationed to the entire female of age population affected, and that our folks in damage control are working to get our manufacturing capability to one hundred percent within the week.

_Agent EFIX4:_ (nods grimly) Between the blood letting up there on the Minbari and the rations, that should control any issues of rioting while we get the horded supply out to the public. And then we'll pray to God that the girls NEVER find out that we're actually responsible for holding back the shipments or that the factories were NEVER destroyed; that we did this as a last ditch effort to save Earth!


End file.
